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The Room Episode 5
Sam has emerged. His clothes are covered in brown stains. Conor- I still can't believe you managed to wash it all out. Sam- Took me my entire soap ration for a year and 140 pages of Pride and Prejudice as toilet paper but it's worth it. Conor- Well, apart from the fact you can't wash for the next year. Wearing clothes lightly doused in shit. Sam- That's a minor detail. Jack- Did you ever watch Channel 4? Sam- All the time. Jack- Thought so. Sam- GMTV, surely the most insightful, impartial and informative media resource ever created. Conor- Apart from maybe the News of The World. Jack- I tell you, it way a travesty it was closed. After all that good charity work, years of news, great columns, unflinching support for our boys in Afganistan- Conor- Are they still fighting there? Jack- Well, I don't know. When they closed down the News of The World it was like they closed down all the news. Of the entire world! Sam- Who would have thought it? Jack- All because one bender with £5 free credit went around prank calling terrorists and orphans and stuff. Conor- Yes. Because that it is exactly why it closed down. Jack- Yep. Sam- Uh huh. There is a pause. Sam- Hmmm, yeah, anyway, do you think they'll let us have a new book now? Conor- Maybe. We should ask. Jack- What should we ask for? Conor- A Mass Effect graphic model. Jack- I don't think so. Sam- 1001 things you can do with a biro? Jack- No. Conor- Well, what do you want? Jack- Pride and Prejudice 2. Conor- I haven't read that. Jack- Oh, it's good. One of Jane Austen's best. Sam- What about a nice, safe one. Like Harry Potter. Conor and Jack groan. Conor- By the time of the release of the fifth volume, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, the books began to receive strong criticism from a number of literary scholars. Yale professor, literary scholar and critic Harold Bloom raised criticisms of the books' literary merits, saying, "Rowling's mind is so governed by clichés and dead metaphors that she has no other style of writing." A. S. Byatt authored a''New York Times'' op-ed article calling Rowling's universe a "secondary world, made up of patchworked derivative motifs from all sorts of children's literature ... written for people whose imaginative lives are confined to TV cartoons, and the exaggerated (more exciting, not threatening) mirror-worlds of soaps, reality TV and celebrity gossip". There is a pause. Jack- Yeah. Exactly. Sam- You got that from Wikipedia. Conor- There are no computers in here, how could I do that? Sam- Don't be modest, you're king of the Internet. Everything is flowing through your brain from MyMaths to Super Mario Starscramble. Jack- What? You have access to the internet? Conor- Well... I guess... technically... Jack- Why didn't you tell us before? Conor- It's a bit embarrassing... you should see what I have to use as a keyboard... Sam- Yes, we should. Jack- Well, we can send out a message! We could get out of here! Conor- Do you know anyone strong enough to get us out? Jack- I might know someone. Conor- Who? Who could be powerful enough? Jack- I need you to send a message to someone. Someone with incredible strength and a staggering amount of intelligence and compassion. Someone I trust entirely. Sam- Who? Who is that powerful? Jack- They're eyes sparkle with life and has beauty unmatched throughout time. Conor- I kind of need a name. Oh, and an email address. Sam- Who is this being to who you refer? Jack- I speak of none but the mighty Alan Carr, Chatty Man. There is a pause. Quite a lengthy one. Sam- Of course! Why didn't I think of that? Jack- Because you're a retard. Sam- Oh yeah. Conor- I might need to go and type in the bathroom. Conor exits. Sam- How do you think he does it? Jack- No idea. Sam- I'll go sneak a look. Sam exits. Jack looks directly at the camera, absorbing the souls of lesser mortals. Then Sam reappears shaking. Jack- Well? Sam- You don't want to know. Jack- Oh come on, the disgusting and perverted stuff you've seen, it can't be too bad. Sam- I don't want to talk about it, okay? I just want to find my mummy for a kiss and a reassurance it'll all get better. Jack- That's ridiculous. I'm going to go look. Sam- Jack, I'm warning you, it's the heart of darkness in there. Jack- Bullshit. Jack exits. Sam rolls around in pain. Someone is heard vomiting. Jack collapses back into view, unconscious. Sam- Jack! Jack! Are you okay? No answer. Sam- Jack, you'll pull through this. You have to! Sam puts his ear to Jack's chest. Nothing. He put's his ear to his mouth. Then suddenly, Jack pukes straight into Sam's face and he pulls back. Jack- I feel quite a lot better now. Sam- I don't know whether I'm disgusted or aroused. Conor reappears. Conor: I've sent- Jesus! What's happened here? There is a very long pause. Sam looks at Jack, then back to Conor. Sam- Uhhh... Jack- We...erm... Sam- Played a game...? Jack- Yeah, yeah, it's called 'Violent Sickness'. Sam- It's a classic. Conor- But didn't you just use up all your soap ration? Sam- Shit. Jack- It's fine. Soon, we'll be out of here. Alan will see to that... Begins to fade. Sam, Jack and Conor- Godspeed, Chatty man, Godspeed...